Oh Dear, It's relaxing Sunday......eh?

   The wives of four presidents and prime ministers are talking together about how to say “penis” in their languages.

The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

The wife of Clinton says that in the United States you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

...........................................................................................................

   A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man says, “We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”

“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”

“So, after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”

“No,” answers the Mullah. “It’s forbidden in Islam.”

“Well, OK,” says the man. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”

“Of course!” replies the Mullah. “Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within a marriage to have children!”

“What about different positions?” asks the Man.

“Allah ho Akbar! No problem,” says the Mullah.

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!”

“Doggy style?”

“Sure! Allah ho Akbar!”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!”

“Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”

“You may, indeed. Allah ho Akbar!”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“No,” says the Mullah.

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Because that could lead to dancing.”

...........................................................................................................

   When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared.

“It’ll be my first baby,” she confessed with a blush, “and actually, I don’t know the first thing about how babies are delivered.”

“Don’t worry about a thing,” reassured the doctor. “It’s really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place.”

Startled, Celeste exclaimed, “You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?”

...........................................................................................................

"I used to eat a lot better when Ronald Reagan was president."

"Ah . . . so you think times were better back them?"

"No. I had my own teeth!"

...........................................................................................................

An elderly Irish woman goes to confession. She says to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I've had sexual relations with a handsome young man."

"But, Mrs. O'Reilly," blurts out the startled priest, "You're over eighty years old! When did this happen?"

The woman replies, "Sixty-two years ago this week, but I love to talk about it!"